On Biggest Evils

Posted on Jul 06, 2019 into Scribbles

On a lighter note, even though the title might confuse to expect otherwise, I feel that my rants that run throughout the almost three year history of blogging, I haven’t expressed my opinion on what the three all-time greatest evils are. Mind that this stance is firm and is to never change regardless of the stupid shit humanity might come up with.

And because of the popularity of list shows and because of how many list-like articles are there on sites from BuzzFeed to CollegeHumor, I shall structure it in the same way. Not to generate space for more clickbait ads like they do, rather for the sake of going with the trend. To alter the trend. And rend the mentioned evils.

Ready? Let us begin!

3: Hoovers

You might be calling it a vacuum cleaner if you live in the US, Dyson if you’re posh richass, Henry or Hetty if you live in the UK. I call them ultra-loud passive-agressive suckers. Because that is exactly what they are.

The part about their loudness is more than obvious. Some go up to over a hundred decibels, creating a vortex inside their tube, pretending to be carry-on tornadoes, some even claim to be cyclones. But cyclone is an everpresent epicenter of most winds, most often located in the middle of oceans, where the air literally falls down to and collides with all the other wind, creating an upstream and getting blown away again. Usually enriched by all the water vapor, that then comes to England or Chile or wherever the clouds crash into a mountain and bounce even higher. How confident must the hoover manufacturers be to compare their product to one of the greatest forces of nature?!

It’s true that the air-enrichment process occurs, with dust and biscuit crumbs rather than water, but it isn’t even natural. There is always an electric engine powering an air pump that sucks on the one side and blows on the other. There are filters on both sides, which is unfortunate, because it would end up looking far more dramatic and cyclone-ressembling, haven’t these been there. Just dispersing all the crap from your floor in the air, creating impression of Martian sandstorms whenever you move onto cleaning the carpets. This way, the duststorm happens in the chimenies of power plant and further above.

The energy loss that takes place in the process is not small, being about 10% just inside the engine and further 25% comes from the filters and areas where the engine sucks air that doesn’t go through the hose, which is a must for them, since clogging the tube would otherwise make the engine create low-pressure capsule, which would result in suction force in direction against the engine. That generates heat, which could set the hoover on fire. But again, that’s energy inefficient. Why not use some petrol and matches instead, huh?

The passive-agressive part, on top of the object of hoover itself being a piece of crap, is multiplied by my personal experience. I know more than one person who would start the hoover whenever they get pissed off, move around the house with it, start conversations in the process, shouting at you as loud as they can, who would proceed to moving stuff out of the hoover’s way while leaving it on, so it can actively make the world far worse a place on their own.

Solution? Easier than you might think. Broomsticks and floor sweepers or, if you’re lazy like I am, buy a Roomba, because that is basically a battery powered floor sweeper that only has a tiny auxilary suction engine designed primarily to clean the air and keep the dust in and hence suck far less. And you can place them in the room you are not using at given moment. They don’t shout, they don’t idle-suck, they don’t consume as much energy. And they run around like a dog.

2: Hitler

This one is far more serious. And you most likely know more about him than I know about hoovers. He was a butthurt turned evil manipulator. He was an underdog who took things personally. As a human being, he was the exact opposite of the icon we remember today. Sad, bitter, and most of all fake. He played a role, proving to us that controlling an enormous mass of equally bitter nation suffering from post-lost-war hunger can lead to serious danger. Moving the obedient suckerups to the top and enforcing the revenge sought for by him and them was a move that caused deaths that would not be a result of a war alone.

WWII should be abbreviated WG for The World Genocide, so we could reserve term “The World War” for that of 1914 - 1918, since it deserves being called a war. And Adolf Hitler should not be referred to as a dictator, because the word murderer suits him more. About the hitler memes? Drop them, I say. They render the scum of a man make an impression that never belonged to him. Learn about his evil, read a random chapter from Mein Kampf so that you get to know the degree to which his mind was twisted. Also, should you find yourself agreeing with him, kill yourself. Do not mock him. Do not overrate him.

1: Umbrellas

Finally, worse than Hitler and all the things in the world, are umbrellas. They barely make you any drier since you wear a raincoat or a waterproof jacket anyway. Bit of a drizzle won’t hurt you and heavy rain accompanied with strong wind will destroy the portable roof wannabe. They break. Literally all the time. Throughout my life, I’ve seen more umbrellas broken, placed in trashcans, flying around, lost, or dispersed in pieces, than intact. They are waste of resources we don’t need to make. They have no value to us. If you want to keep your head warm and dry in the rain, buy a good hunting hat and a pair of glasses that fit in your handbag. (Handbags are scary, too, but they did not make this list.)

One exception from this are lightbox umbrellas. They usually have solid construction, don’t require frequent closing and reopening, are portable, easy to use, and most of all, they succesfuly fulfill their purpose. Photographers are the only people with legitimate right to own a brolley.

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